You No Longer Love Me

I miss his touch. His warmth. Waiting seemed to be the only thing that I had known of and yearning to be in his arms, made me feel like home. Thoughts of him pulled my heartstrings and I had never knew love was capable of such pain.

I miss his voice. His words. Texts started to feel like they were no longer enough and his voice of expressions were the only thing that can fill the void in my heart. His words of truth broke my heart and tears gushed out like it has been holding on for far too long. And, I'm still hurting.

I miss him. Only him. Feelings that feel so evidently real, somehow seems vague. When we said our goodbyes, I was holding onto some hope that this was all a nightmare that I would eventually wake up to but I didn’t. I curled up into a ball and cried my heart out.

This pain, this hurt, this tears, how can I stop it? Even when everyone asks for me to move on, I would still want to find some memories of us so you will always remain close to me. In my heart.

That void, that emptiness, that loneliness, how can I fill it? Even when I kept myself busy, my thoughts would still wander to you, of memories, of possibilities, and of all what ifs. In this foolish self, I find comfort.

You taught me what it's like to be a selfless woman, now it's my turn to take the lead and be selfish once in a while. 

A Letter Never Sent

Dear love,

How are you? Have you been thinking about me? I have.

Walking on the streets of Serangoon, having your favourite fish slice soup noodles, and thinking about the good times we had together. I missed you, I missed us. Memories that filled me in more ways than I cannot imagine. Like a movie I watched over hundreds, no thousands of times again but they never failed to make me cry a river every single time. Unlike The Notebook, we did not grow old together. Unlike The Wedding, we did not celebrate a mundane wedding anniversary. Unlike P.S. I Love You, you weren't there when I needed you the most.

I chose to leave before you do, so I wouldn't have to see your back and suppressing the urge to hug you, hold onto you. I chose to leave before you do, because I knew you wouldn't felt the way I did. I chose to leave before you do, so you wouldn't remember me in tears as you left. I chose to leave  before you do so you'll remember my smile.

I always tell myself that I am alright, that I am strong. I always thought I am okay as long as I smile, always thought it's okay even if we met. But the other day when I saw you at the mall holding her hands, the same eyes that looked at me is now looking at someone else's, the same lips that had touched mine is now touching someone else's, unknowingly my tears fell and I knew I wasn't alright. Little did I know that you were deeply pushed into a corner of my heart where I keep all my greatest fears.

Seeing you smile, seeing you happy had left reality knocked me hard in the head that you were better off without me. However, I was left with a baggage filled with fears, doubts, mistrust, anger, and sadness. I hope one day someone will take enough effort and love to unpack this baggage.

Love,
My heart.

With you...

Sitting at the bus stop, I was waiting. Waiting for someone to come pick me up. Though many had offered, neither did I take up the offer. Vehicle of many kinds come and go. Some were average cars while some were saloon cars and others were high-end cars. As they come and go, promises were made, hopes were given, just waiting for me to take their hand and go on a journey with them.

Some people had to get into several cars before settling with one that they were comfortable with while some people had gotten into the right one from the start. When some people chose to cry in leather seat cars, others cry in cars that were nothing fancy but warm.

As I was still waiting at cross roads, a car stopped and offered a ride. It was an old but promising car. Though it was still unsure, I was as well. But instead of getting into another average car that had stopped for me too, I got into the one that made the impression. A simple black Saga. Unsure of where we are heading next, but we made several stops in between because of the doubts.

Though the car did not promise anything real materialistically, nor will it always be by my side, but it made me feel safe. As I caress it to assure myself that this is real, unknowingly, it made me smile silly every now and then.

I’m still unsure where we are heading, but knowing that we’re heading somewhere together, I couldn’t care less. Because I feel safe and warm, just by being in that car. It’s the perfect car that I had been wanting and wishing to have since I was a little girl. Don’t have to be a Mercedes or Bentley, just a simple Saga that can make me feel like I’m the luckiest girl around, is more than I had wished for. Thank you.

So, have you found your perfect car?

Will you still be the man who I hold onto when my hands wrinkle? Will I still be the woman you love when you grow old?

Walking under the hot sun with only one umbrella in his hand, he shed it unto his partner. Slowly pacing through the long road as fast cars past, never letting go of each other’s hand. Grey hair, wrinkled hand, watching each step that they take.

Going on movie dates, watching movies made by youngsters these days, still the never ending excitement. As they held onto one another, the elderly woman rests her head on his shoulder. They enjoyed the movie.

Dining at the kopitiam near by their house, only the two of them. Feasting on 2 dishes and a bowl of soup, yet they chit-chat away happily. Enjoying each others’ company.

There’s no need to drive a car, live lavishly and feast on the finest when you are doing all that with the man you love. The wrinkled annoying old man that was once a handsome ambitious man you love. This is the lifetime of love you want to chase after.

No Promises

There was never a promise life would be easy.
There was never a promise love would be blissful.
There was never a promise heart would not be broken.
There was never a promise you will remain mine.

Understanding everything that was stated.
Knowing everything that was obvious.
But learning everything from the start.

It is never easy.
It is never always blissful.
It will sometimes be broken.
A time where fear comes over, to the state of losing you.

Tell me things will be okay.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me you'll protect my fragile heart.
But can never tell me forever.

But maybe when time brings me through the learning process of life, love and feelings, just when I least expect it.
You'll turn out to be the one I am waiting for all along.

That's when I know for sure, you'll be mine.

So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed just to get it all out what's in my head

what's the use of trying so hard?
what's the point of thinking so much?

He.She.We.

If she were to write a story on them, it wouldn’t be long.
If she were to write him a song, it wouldn’t rhyme.
If she were to think about him, will he think about her too?

The first time they met, they were awkward. Pretty much. The question and answer mode is turned on. At every full stop, it stops.

The second time they met, they were smiling. Pretty much. The getting to know each other mode is turned on. Every sentence then followed with another.

The third time they met, they were laughing. They were. The random talk and silly stories mode is turned on. Never the awkward silence, just the natural flow of conversation.

When he walked her to her car, she wondered if such guy still existed. The gentleman.
When they started talking on Facebook, she wondered if they have THAT much to talk about. They did.
When she started to question her heart, did he think the same too?

As time passes, the longing feeling she had grew. Waiting just for his reply, hoping that he did. She still does. Wondered if he knew that he had become a habit of hers. It surprises her about how much he knew. No secrets. Not because she told him, but it’s the littlest things that he paid attention to. And that little effort to go more to figure her out. It made her smile. The irony of the whole relationship was obvious. The two people who never believe that long distance relationship ended up together. Will they last? A question that neither of them can figure out.

Will they look good together?
Will they look awkward together?
Will they look funny together?

He was worried that he would look old for her. She was worried that their height difference would make them look awkward. Not to mention generation gap! He grew up not knowing who Charlie Brown and Snoopy is! But The Sound of Music made their gap a little less obvious. The childish nature of hers, the mature nature of him, worries her.

“What is your kind of perfect?”
“What is your ideal type?” friends used to ask.
But like a typical girl, she wanted a fairy tale. And yes, it’s free to dream.

But it didn’t matter anymore. All that. He’s her kind of perfect.
He’ll be that guy who will be writing in the blank pages of her life.

Last Christmas

Will you be there when the first snow fall? Will you be there when I’m awake? Will you be there when we crude? Will you... still be there when I push you away?

The fact that I was too dependable on you, made me the girl I am today.

The girl who cried over little things hoping you’ll realized what you’d done. The girl who fuss over little things just to have reassurance. The girl who sulk over little things that you didn’t do. But I still thank you for the memories you left.

Last Christmas, I was sitting patiently at the dining table, waiting for you to come home for dinner. It was Christmas Eve! A tradition we had every Christmas. But as time slowly passes by, the tight grip on my heart gets tighter. I was worries and crushed at the same time. When you walked in, I rushed to the door, you smiled. “It’s cold” you shivered. I wondered if you notice how upset I was. But I guess not when you walked across me, threw the briefcase on the sofa and moved towards the dining table. Sat down and had your dinner like it was meant to be. Just like any other dinner in any other day. I sat opposite him, trying to keep my cool and asked “was it that busy in the office?”, he just nodded as he started stuffing his face. I forced a smile and said “Merry Christmas!” He ignored me as if he hadn’t heard a word I said. I place my fork and knife down and stormed off. Slamming the door as I walked into our room. You didn’t bother to check out what made me mad or apologize. Instead, you finished up your dinner and watched television after.

It’s the little things that I still cherished; it’s the things you find it meant to be. It’s the little hope I hold on to, is the hope you took for granted.

This Christmas, I am sitting patiently at the dining table as he serves my favourite cream spaghetti with bacon and poured a glass of our favourite 1990 red wine. I look dreamingly into his eyes, a slight pinch in my heart hoping he was you. He walk over to my side, held up my chin, meeting my eyes and said, “Merry Christmas, love” and kissed my forehead. Knowing I think of you occasionally when I space out but he hugged me tightly assuring me that he’s there for me, he’ll love me unconditionally. Just the way I like it. As the song sang, Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, But the very next day, you gave it away, This year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special”

He’s the guy who I am sure will be the special someone. I still cry over little things, fuss over them and sulk over it but he’ll always put up with all that and turn that frown into a smile. “Merry Christmas to you too, love” I smiled.
---

It's no good, but still... MERRY CHRISTMAS! ^^

The Choice

As I stand at the entrance of the boarding hall looking at his broad shoulder that I longed to hug. Just to hold him tight and maybe he’ll realize it was all a mistake. But he knows for sure that he isn’t going to regret and walked in, without looking back. He never knew how much he changed my life, how much he changed me. And I hate him for that. How could he possibly just break the protective walls that I’d built over the years so easily, changed this girl into someone that others can barely recognize anymore and then just leave her like she didn’t mean anything? He choose career over love.

I was nine when I remembered I sat outside the boarding hall, hugging tightly onto my teddy bear, waiting for mum and dad to pick me up. But as I wait, and see more and more people come and go from the hall, I never saw them. I didn’t move like how they asked me not to and wait for them. I did. Until, I was so sure they weren’t coming back no more and I followed a big guy in his blue uniform, to some counter. Before I knew it, I was sent to a children’s home with other kids. Didn’t really talk much when I first arrived, because a little part of me still hoped that my parents would come take me home and not left me at some place where all abandoned children go. Yes! I said abandoned. The nun there, Sister Chrissy was worried, I had some kind of psychological problem because of my silence and I don’t smile. I guess I lost both when I start building the wall and didn’t want anyone to see right through me. I was afraid that when the moment I let someone in, they would leave me and go. It happens. My grandparents, my parents. But soon I realized, I was just as abandoned as they were but they chose to look on the brighter side.

I remained that way until I met him. He would visit the home once in a while with his parents and played with the children. He walked up to me and took my hand without asking, and took me to the playground to join in their game of hide and seek. I played with the other kids for the first time and I laughed at some silly joke he would tell about his friends at school. From that day, I would look forward to his visits. I started opening up to people and shared more of me with them. Of course I shared most of everything with him. I even shared my first kiss with him when he invited me to be his plus one for his school prom. We would go out on dates on random nights and when he came back towards the weekend from college.

I thought we were something else. Something better. But I was proved wrong again. We were eating ice cream when he broke the news. He chose to go University of London to realize his dream of writing. His passion for writing was never ending. He’d always read me stories that he wrote which were some inspired by us. The meaning of him going meant leaving me. I can see the excitement printed on his face and it made me wonder if he thought of me when he decided. I should have known better than to be committed to a guy who would never stay. At this age of 20.

And I looked again at his back at the entrance of the boarding hall, it took me back to my parents. Did they too chose their career and dream instead of love? Did they left it all including me just to realized their dream? So, did they make it happen after 11 years? Was it worth then? Is it worth now? They say when a girl falls in love, she gives him all of her heart and when they fall, she would always get her heart back as whole; but when a guy falls in love, he only gives half of his heart but when they fall, he would lose the other half of his heart all together. I know then that if a guy who placed me after his business, he will not be the guy who would love me like the phrase said and he’s not worth my tear and time. It was his choice to leave and it was my choice to leave it all in pieces.

My Love

cradits : via salalaouo

That Girl

I’m the girl who prefers one rose instead of a dozen.
I’m the girl who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers.
I’m the girl who wouldn’t make you wait on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make you happy.
I’m the girl who would enjoy having a movie night rather than going to some fancy restaurant.
I’m the girl who would rather stay up all night sharing secrets than going out and getting drunk.
I’m the girl who won’t make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead.
I’m the girl who will love you more than anyone can possibly dream of.
I’m the girl who would give the world to see you smile.
I’m the girl who cries herself to sleep at night thinking of you, when i know I’m the last thing on your mind.

Naega ee yeoja imnida...

credit: ilivetolaugh
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I'm the guy who prefers certainty instead of excuses
I'm the guy who would rather stay in on a Friday night than hanging out with my buddies
I'm the guy who wouldn't make you wait, but would do anything to make you happy
I'm the guy who would go the extra mile for you than walking to the nearest mamak stall for football
I'm the guy who would rather apologize than lose you over silly arguements
I'm the guy who rather stay up all night knowing you're safe back at home than being out drinking with my buddies
I'm the guy who would tell my buddies 'that's my girl' just because
I'm the guy who would give up the world to see you smile
I'm the guy who will love you more than anyone can possible dream of

this is my reply =)

It's FREE to Dream

She said "It's FREE to dream, so why not dream?"

A typical girl dreaming about finding the perfect guy
A person who's everything a girl would want
Flawless skin, dreamy eyes, kissable lips, great personality, well-to-do, and most importantly loves you more than anything in the world

A typical guy dreaming about finding the perfect girl
A person who's everything guy ask for
Long wavy hair, deep eyes, cherry lips, hot body, great personality, and most importantly loves you more than anything in the world

But when reality hits you hard in the head, the guy/girl never really does appear
If he/she does, they are just a passerby in your life
Where you can only wish and hope he/she would be yours

And then again, when you find the most imperfect person
He/She may just change the rest of your life
Fulfilling more than dreams you could ever dream
Making a true REALITY love story...

So, what's being 20 got to do with love and potions? DREAM
As she said, it's FREE to dream
Make every portion of your brain filled with the wildest, craziest dream you can ever get
Then get on with life... XD

Yiruma

As I lay my fingers across the black and white keys, I thought about him. The day when I first met him, the day when he asked me out, the day when he told me he loved me, the day he cooked for me and the day where we kiss under the rain.

Every key on this delicate piano, reminds me bits and pieces of him. Only the good ones. Because, he played The Things I Really Like at the piano room at our college when we first met. Because he played The Moment while asking me out. Because he played Destiny of Love on the white piano at his house when he told me he loved me. Because he played Do You after our dinner. Because he played Kiss The Rain after we kiss.

Tears falls, as I try to keep up with the rhythm of Kiss The Rain. With the slow sad melody, I missed him. More than words could describe. He was my first love. And when he left, he didn’t tell me why or say goodbye. He just left this piano piece and let me fill in the blanks.

How was I suppose to do so when I’m left clueless?
--------

This is an open ended oneshot, do you(readers) mind to continue it for me? =)

Good Man (adapted from Ayu's Good Man oneshot)

They say a guy and a girl will never be just best friends.

I smiled awkwardly when he first introduced me to his girlfriend. Having the cup of coffee that I usually loved, today, seem a little bitter. Looking at the two of them cuddling one another, he was telling me how they met and ended up together. Trying to look attentive when I knew my soul had flew out of the cafe, wanting to tell him ‘I know how you two ended up together! I was there when you told me how pretty she was, how sweet she was, how nervous you were when you’re going to confess’ but instead, I kept everything inside and let him speak. After drinking finish my cup of coffee, I made up an excuse to leave. Don’t think I’ll be able to stand the love atmosphere in front of me before throwing up the cuppa I just had.

I didn’t remember when I’d fell in love with him but he had become a habit to me. Always there for me and me being there for him habit. I knew him as much as he knew about me. Except for my little crush for him. He didn’t know how much it hurt seeing him falling in love with another. I tried dating other guys but I could never open up to them as much as I did with him.

Ever since he started training to be a singer, an idol, the time we spend with each other become less. At the least expected time, I would find myself thinking about him and wondered if he thought about me as much as I did. Hoping that our friendship wouldn’t just end there, I text, call and try to suit his tight schedule to meet even if it’s late at night.

It seems so obvious to others about my crush. Everyone except him. My best friend, Ayu has a crush on his friend when we went out for picnic with the rest of his team members. He and I tried to bring the two together but they don’t seem to appreciate our effort.

At one random night, I received a call from him, asking to meet. It was three in the morning and drizzling outside. I quickly grab my jacket and brought an extra in case he forgot his like he always does. Got into a cab and was directed to the direction he gave. Sitting on a bench, his face buried in his hands, as water trickled from his wet hair. The sight of him broke my heart. I wanted to just go over him and hug him tight, telling him ‘You’ll be alright because you have me’, but I knew it forbids in our friendship. I lay the extra jacket on him and sat next to him. I place my hand on his shoulder as he spoke up. Apparently, his girlfriend broke up with him. Even though I felt the pain aching in my heart because of his sadness, I somehow felt a little joy because I knew he could have found someone better. Maybe it wouldn’t be me but as I knew him, that girl wasn’t his cup of coffee. Tried to cheer him up. He smiled a little and I replied it. He stoned for a moment, then moved closer to me and we kissed. Didn’t know how to response to it, I just smiled awkwardly and asked him to go back to the dorm before his manager found him missing.

A few months later, he confessed his feelings to me. I was sceptical but felt happy because he finally sees me. I was officially his girlfriend, not just a best friend. Despite his busy schedules, he calls and texts me whenever he could. It was enough to keep me smiling all day. The last time we met was on Christmas where we went ski boarding with Ayu and the boys. We had lots of fun with snow ball fights and that was the first time he told me he loves me.

He invited me and Ayu to go to their first fan meeting. We got the front row! We had light sticks and made placards to show our support. They were awesome. After the many years of hard training, they could finally stand on stage and show the people of Korea what Beast was made of. Talent. They even had 4Minute as their performing guest. Enjoying their performance as much, still waiting for the finale song, Good Man. It was a cover song that they had been practicing hard on. Once they were on stage, they sang beautifully.

As they end the song, he made an announcement. He said that the song was dedicated to all Beast fans and he personally dedicated it to me while Ayu’s crush for her. We were struck dumbfounded when he said that. We were then escorted to the stage by the guards in charge. He walked up to me and hugged me. I felt his steady breath on my hair and he kissed my hair. I hugged him back. No words could describe how I felt at that time. The secret diary I wrote when I thought about him, the wish and hope I had about him has come true. I feel blessed with love being in his arms.

They say a guy and a girl will never be just best friends. He isn’t my best friend anymore. He’s my boyfriend, Yoon Doo Joon.

My First Crush

I wish we can be closer. I wish we can be more than just a mutual friend. I wish you can see me like how I see you.

The tingly feeling I always have when he walked by. The heart pumping feeling I always have when you smile (even if it wasn’t meant for me). The happiest day of my life, when we first chatted online.

“Hey, do I know you?” he asked.
“Nope but I know you” I answered.
“Really? How do you know me?” he asked again.
“I’m a stalker. XD” she smirked.
“Haha...” he laughed literally.

This is how our conversation started. The more we talked, the deeper I know into your past. The more we shared, the deeper the feeling I have for you. Everyone knows about my ‘little’ crush. Everyone but you.

“I’m looking for someone to buy coffee for me cause I’ll be too busy to do anything on that day” I said.
“What coffee do you want?” he asked.
“I drink any coffee =)” I answered.
“Is mocha ok?” he asked.
“Yup! Anything to keep me going” I said.
“Tomorrow at 10.30 a.m. I’ll send the coffee to you” he said.
“Really?! Thank you! =)” I said.

When I offered to pay you back, you said it’s a treat but I insisted. You said to donate it to the donation box. I don’t think I’ll ever find another guy as generous as you. The kind of prince I’ll never even think about meeting. Unknowingly, you strike another point in my heart.

Then, you asked me to join you to some business seminar. I didn’t want to go but my friends insisted, saying I’ll get the opportunity to get close to you. Indeed I did. You told me about how you earn every single penny that you spend by teaching tuition classes. It was tiring but for you, it’s all worth it. It was great knowing you that day but to you, it’s just a business relationship.

As time passed, the conversation we share seems to lessen. As days goes by, the further we were apart. And, eventually stop.

Looking at posts on Plurk, I try to stay anonymous, trying to cheer you up when you’re down. Knowing that I’m just another someone who added you there and not a friend, I still wish you would notice me.

I wonder someday if I’ll be noticeable, maybe not to you. But someone more worth my attention, heart and love.
----



After months of short conversations and none speaking, we finally chatted longer than our last conversation. Knowing you has someone in mind but not me, sends a sting to my heart but I’m trying to keep it cool and be supportive.

“tohkokchung i wish you know what I am thinking”

I want to know what you are thinking when I said it but you never tell. Just because I’m too stubborn to admit that he has someone else in mind. Even though knowing from the start that there won’t be a chance for me but I still didn’t want to admit it. I’m probably too scared to know. Too timid to ask. Too worry to find out. But I know when I do, I know it will hurt.

My classmate tells me I’m stupid for not taking the first step. She may be right but if I do, it’ll just get my hopes up and if he rejects what I have, it’ll just be like being pushed from a sixty story high building. Crushed into millions of pieces where no tears can ever describe how bad the whole journey will be.

I wish I can get you out from my mind.

Heart broken In The New Year

Staring out the sliding glass door, while mist starts forming on it, thoughts starts flashing like a movie at the back of her mind. In a week, she lost her job, her love, her desire to continue any further of what intended. She quitted after finishing the last event of the year, hoping to go on a holiday with her love and maybe settling down. But things didn’t work the way it planned. Wondering how can words can connect so easily in his mouth like it was meant to be. Wondering how swiftly he can pack all his stuff and walked out of the house like it didn’t mattered. Wondering what’s not of her to satisfy and what’s of the other to satisfy him. Was it really so obvious? So obvious that she was too blinded to see it written over the whole relationship. Wrecked.

She let out a sigh as strings of tears begin to flow. A new year without the perfect kiss from the perfect him. She wipes away the tears and places the cup of hot cocoa on the coffee table as she walked into the empty room they once share. Closet that’s half empty greets her as she opens it. She climbed into the empty space and sat with her legs wrap close to her chest, building a protection wall to prevent her from crying. But she knew too well the loneliness that creeps into her heart the moment she climbed in. The smell of his newly ironed shirts and pants. The smell of his Calvin Klein cologne.

Trying to stop the piercing at the back of her eyes, trying to hold onto her heart so it wouldn’t break, trying to stop thinking about what he said.

“You were never there. In your eyes, there’s only your work and I was always second. When do I ever come first? She’s different. She loves me and so do I.” He said.
“I love you too” she said.
“But not as much you love your job” he said.
“Do you see the disappointment drawn on my face? Do you hear my heart breaking every single time you walked out on me because duty calls?” he asked. She remained silent.
“No. But she does. And she fills the loneliness of me” he continued.
“I’m sorry it had to end this way. Goodbye”

His last words ring in her head. Like a wakeup call, his words called upon her. But she couldn’t do anything now to fix the broken pieces. Maybe next time, maybe she’ll be more of a lover to a much worthy guy than just a roommate. Maybe next time, maybe she’ll be more conscious about her surroundings than drown herself in work. Maybe next time, maybe she’ll see the smile and passion on one’s eyes looking at her like how she did towards him. And maybe next time, maybe she’ll be a more worthy woman to love.

For now, let her mourn in her little own world as other couples kiss under the shower of fireworks and make love promises. For time will heal. As a new year brings a new beginning of another chapter of life.