The Choice

As I stand at the entrance of the boarding hall looking at his broad shoulder that I longed to hug. Just to hold him tight and maybe he’ll realize it was all a mistake. But he knows for sure that he isn’t going to regret and walked in, without looking back. He never knew how much he changed my life, how much he changed me. And I hate him for that. How could he possibly just break the protective walls that I’d built over the years so easily, changed this girl into someone that others can barely recognize anymore and then just leave her like she didn’t mean anything? He choose career over love.

I was nine when I remembered I sat outside the boarding hall, hugging tightly onto my teddy bear, waiting for mum and dad to pick me up. But as I wait, and see more and more people come and go from the hall, I never saw them. I didn’t move like how they asked me not to and wait for them. I did. Until, I was so sure they weren’t coming back no more and I followed a big guy in his blue uniform, to some counter. Before I knew it, I was sent to a children’s home with other kids. Didn’t really talk much when I first arrived, because a little part of me still hoped that my parents would come take me home and not left me at some place where all abandoned children go. Yes! I said abandoned. The nun there, Sister Chrissy was worried, I had some kind of psychological problem because of my silence and I don’t smile. I guess I lost both when I start building the wall and didn’t want anyone to see right through me. I was afraid that when the moment I let someone in, they would leave me and go. It happens. My grandparents, my parents. But soon I realized, I was just as abandoned as they were but they chose to look on the brighter side.

I remained that way until I met him. He would visit the home once in a while with his parents and played with the children. He walked up to me and took my hand without asking, and took me to the playground to join in their game of hide and seek. I played with the other kids for the first time and I laughed at some silly joke he would tell about his friends at school. From that day, I would look forward to his visits. I started opening up to people and shared more of me with them. Of course I shared most of everything with him. I even shared my first kiss with him when he invited me to be his plus one for his school prom. We would go out on dates on random nights and when he came back towards the weekend from college.

I thought we were something else. Something better. But I was proved wrong again. We were eating ice cream when he broke the news. He chose to go University of London to realize his dream of writing. His passion for writing was never ending. He’d always read me stories that he wrote which were some inspired by us. The meaning of him going meant leaving me. I can see the excitement printed on his face and it made me wonder if he thought of me when he decided. I should have known better than to be committed to a guy who would never stay. At this age of 20.

And I looked again at his back at the entrance of the boarding hall, it took me back to my parents. Did they too chose their career and dream instead of love? Did they left it all including me just to realized their dream? So, did they make it happen after 11 years? Was it worth then? Is it worth now? They say when a girl falls in love, she gives him all of her heart and when they fall, she would always get her heart back as whole; but when a guy falls in love, he only gives half of his heart but when they fall, he would lose the other half of his heart all together. I know then that if a guy who placed me after his business, he will not be the guy who would love me like the phrase said and he’s not worth my tear and time. It was his choice to leave and it was my choice to leave it all in pieces.