My First Crush

I wish we can be closer. I wish we can be more than just a mutual friend. I wish you can see me like how I see you.

The tingly feeling I always have when he walked by. The heart pumping feeling I always have when you smile (even if it wasn’t meant for me). The happiest day of my life, when we first chatted online.

“Hey, do I know you?” he asked.
“Nope but I know you” I answered.
“Really? How do you know me?” he asked again.
“I’m a stalker. XD” she smirked.
“Haha...” he laughed literally.

This is how our conversation started. The more we talked, the deeper I know into your past. The more we shared, the deeper the feeling I have for you. Everyone knows about my ‘little’ crush. Everyone but you.

“I’m looking for someone to buy coffee for me cause I’ll be too busy to do anything on that day” I said.
“What coffee do you want?” he asked.
“I drink any coffee =)” I answered.
“Is mocha ok?” he asked.
“Yup! Anything to keep me going” I said.
“Tomorrow at 10.30 a.m. I’ll send the coffee to you” he said.
“Really?! Thank you! =)” I said.

When I offered to pay you back, you said it’s a treat but I insisted. You said to donate it to the donation box. I don’t think I’ll ever find another guy as generous as you. The kind of prince I’ll never even think about meeting. Unknowingly, you strike another point in my heart.

Then, you asked me to join you to some business seminar. I didn’t want to go but my friends insisted, saying I’ll get the opportunity to get close to you. Indeed I did. You told me about how you earn every single penny that you spend by teaching tuition classes. It was tiring but for you, it’s all worth it. It was great knowing you that day but to you, it’s just a business relationship.

As time passed, the conversation we share seems to lessen. As days goes by, the further we were apart. And, eventually stop.

Looking at posts on Plurk, I try to stay anonymous, trying to cheer you up when you’re down. Knowing that I’m just another someone who added you there and not a friend, I still wish you would notice me.

I wonder someday if I’ll be noticeable, maybe not to you. But someone more worth my attention, heart and love.
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After months of short conversations and none speaking, we finally chatted longer than our last conversation. Knowing you has someone in mind but not me, sends a sting to my heart but I’m trying to keep it cool and be supportive.

“tohkokchung i wish you know what I am thinking”

I want to know what you are thinking when I said it but you never tell. Just because I’m too stubborn to admit that he has someone else in mind. Even though knowing from the start that there won’t be a chance for me but I still didn’t want to admit it. I’m probably too scared to know. Too timid to ask. Too worry to find out. But I know when I do, I know it will hurt.

My classmate tells me I’m stupid for not taking the first step. She may be right but if I do, it’ll just get my hopes up and if he rejects what I have, it’ll just be like being pushed from a sixty story high building. Crushed into millions of pieces where no tears can ever describe how bad the whole journey will be.

I wish I can get you out from my mind.