Because It's You

Every time we argue of the same issue all over again, I find myself refraining from telling you how I really feel. So much so that I start hating myself, up to a point where I can no longer breathe. I hate myself for holding on to you when I know your heart is far away and I hate myself for not being able to leave you. Even at this moment, I still hesitate because of you.

I want to cry and end things so I can be free of this heartache; so i can be more selfish when it comes to love but I couldn't do that because it's you. I want to tell you to start living and leave all the pain to me ut I couldn't because it;s you.

Insanity

What could possibly drive a person to the edge of sanity? Pushed so close to the edge of deep darkness without an alternate road to spare and the only way to salvage the error is to stay hanging there, making sure you don't fall or just take that leap.

In every human, there is a hint of craziness but were kept the way it is. The walks of life which consist of happiness, sadness, jealousy, anger, betrayal, hatred, back stabbing are some of the many scenarios and emotional investment that could amplify the negativity. The question to ask is how much of such emotional breakdown is enough to push one over the edge. A question that I believe even we cannot answer ourselves.

I was pushed to the extent. I felt like I was going crazy just thinking about the possibilities and questions wanting to be answered. When he cut me off from his life, I wondered how can a man be so cruel to so easily erased me from his life like I didn't mean anything. Was I that unworthy? Was I not good enough? Was I not loved? I tried so hard to make things work between us but he took me for granted. All that brought hatred in my life, of things I never imagined I was capable of. That much hate and agony I've suffered brought so much tears and sleepless nights.

I hate him. I hate her. I hate his guts. I hate her ruining my love story. I hate his lies. I hate her lies. I wish both him and her will end up in agony. I wish she will never find happiness in this relationship for she has ruined mine. I wish he will never find happiness in any relationship for he has destroyed my paradise. I wish she will suffer the consequences that she inflicted on me. I wish he will forever be in the darkness of negativity and slump. I wish she will never get approval of his friends and family. I wish he will one day look at me and realised all his mistakes.

Right when I thought I was getting better, I was inflicted again of their happiness from his photo. Then, I realised that I never really did walked away from the edge, just standing there. I know I will be able to find the way out from this mess but as of now, I'm standing there, surrounded by darkness and negativity.

Serene

Guy: What is your name?
Girl: Serene.
Guy: Do you live up to your name?
Girl: Physically.
Guy: What about emotionally?
Girl: A raging storm waiting to be released into the open. Rage of sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness and ever more tears of finally being able to break free.

What Is Love?

They ask me what is it like to fall in love.

I say it's happiness. Finding that someone who you can always share your day with fills that loneliness you'd never admit of. Making memories with that someone which you hold dearly onto and it constantly brings out that silly grin you have plastered on your face on random days.

It's heart wrenching. Speaking too soon and breaking hearts in the heat of the moment; tears fall like it has been holding on for too long at the corner of your eyes. These are the moments where it will make the relationship stronger or break you.

Last but not least, it is home. Falling into that protective arms which will always make you feel like home. That sigh of relief whenever they embrace you and brings your feet back onto Earth. They are that home where you dock all your feelings, memories, beliefs, joy, tears and gratefulness.

Though love has ended for me, I am grateful for everything it has taught me. I learnt to love someone with all my heart, I learnt to treasure time, I learnt to appreciate you, I learnt to love your family(other than my own), I learnt patience and I learnt trust.

Thank you for the memories.

You No Longer Love Me

I miss his touch. His warmth. Waiting seemed to be the only thing that I had known of and yearning to be in his arms, made me feel like home. Thoughts of him pulled my heartstrings and I had never knew love was capable of such pain.

I miss his voice. His words. Texts started to feel like they were no longer enough and his voice of expressions were the only thing that can fill the void in my heart. His words of truth broke my heart and tears gushed out like it has been holding on for far too long. And, I'm still hurting.

I miss him. Only him. Feelings that feel so evidently real, somehow seems vague. When we said our goodbyes, I was holding onto some hope that this was all a nightmare that I would eventually wake up to but I didn’t. I curled up into a ball and cried my heart out.

This pain, this hurt, this tears, how can I stop it? Even when everyone asks for me to move on, I would still want to find some memories of us so you will always remain close to me. In my heart.

That void, that emptiness, that loneliness, how can I fill it? Even when I kept myself busy, my thoughts would still wander to you, of memories, of possibilities, and of all what ifs. In this foolish self, I find comfort.

You taught me what it's like to be a selfless woman, now it's my turn to take the lead and be selfish once in a while.