You No Longer Love Me

I miss his touch. His warmth. Waiting seemed to be the only thing that I had known of and yearning to be in his arms, made me feel like home. Thoughts of him pulled my heartstrings and I had never knew love was capable of such pain.

I miss his voice. His words. Texts started to feel like they were no longer enough and his voice of expressions were the only thing that can fill the void in my heart. His words of truth broke my heart and tears gushed out like it has been holding on for far too long. And, I'm still hurting.

I miss him. Only him. Feelings that feel so evidently real, somehow seems vague. When we said our goodbyes, I was holding onto some hope that this was all a nightmare that I would eventually wake up to but I didn’t. I curled up into a ball and cried my heart out.

This pain, this hurt, this tears, how can I stop it? Even when everyone asks for me to move on, I would still want to find some memories of us so you will always remain close to me. In my heart.

That void, that emptiness, that loneliness, how can I fill it? Even when I kept myself busy, my thoughts would still wander to you, of memories, of possibilities, and of all what ifs. In this foolish self, I find comfort.

You taught me what it's like to be a selfless woman, now it's my turn to take the lead and be selfish once in a while. 

Compulsive Buying Disorder

Compulsive buying disorder (CBD) is characterized by an obsession with shopping and buying behavior that causes adverse consequences. (Wikipedia, December 2013)

I'm not too proud about admitting it but at the same time I am proud to. Don't get me wrong that I enjoyed the whole shopping experience but I'm proud to say that I've been using my hard earned money to do the guilt shopping. I told my bf about it and he has not been very helpful with the advise cause he, like I am is pretty cheapo people when it comes to ourselves but would splurge on people we love and care about.

"You like? Just buy lah" (quote from him) =.= not very helpful loh! Make me want to buy more. 

I love shopping and I especially LOVE online shopping. As a child, I never had the luxury as my friends do of going on numerous shopping spree with their parents. I am only entitled to buy clothes during Chinese New Year and it will always be 3 sets of clothing to fill up the first 3 days of the auspicious celebration where we go house visiting. That's it! I may probably get more if I asked but I never thought that it was necessary or had the urge to want more. And being the cheapo that I am, I save up every year to about RM250 from my pocket money and used that money for the clothings instead of asking my parents for money, though they did insists on paying but I didn't want them to. I guess you can say that was my first monetary budgeting lesson. So, now with the money that I am earning, I feel more at ease about going shopping and buying more clothes (though I never really needed them). 

Now that I am working and earning on my own, I dare more hated the fact of asking my parents for money and spending it unnecessarily. I did ask for a loan for my last trip to Japan to which my mum gladly would GIVE the money to me but I managed to saved up enough with daily sandwiches and water to fund my trip. I didn't want anyone especially my relatives to think I am experiencing 'luxury' with my parents' money and spoiling me. It was my way of throwing all the bad comments they said as I was growing up back into their face.

Back to my disorder, I get super excited looking at clothes and compiling on lists of what to buy next. Yup! I do them. I am that kind of person that cares more on quantity than quality. So the cheapo side of me gives me the 'privilege' to buy more at a cheaper price! Like Budget Barbie, I buy clothes ranging from RM10 - RM30 [at most per piece]. If there are clothes that I don't like or couldn't fit after receiving them, I would give it to my cousins or donate them. Mind you, they are new clothes that I only tried on once. Then again, it's nothing to be proud of. If I were to NOT shop, I probably can put in more to my piggy bank. 

So as a conclusion, NO. I don't condone you to be a shopping freak like I am. 

Hard To Please Everyone

I came to face great mountains of challengers as I meet more people and as people I used to think I know are changing. I met clients who are fickle minded, confused on what they want/need, can never have the courtesy of reading emails I've sent, cannot coordinate with his own team and demanding ones. But I guess that wasn't as bad as to realizing I am still the same person I am back 10 years ago as I see friends around me change into a person I barely know.

As friends starts putting on make up, I am still working on my flaws. As friends starts chasing luxury and fame, I am still chasing for freedom. As friends starts to think they are better than who they were, I am still standing on the edge of curiosity and soul searching. As friends starts comparing their goods and deeds, I am still thankful for what I had achieved. As friends starts shining like a diamond, I am still a speck of dust. 

Many of you may encourage me for the change and be just like how my friends are. I can and already am. When friends who think they know me, I myself am changing as well. I acquire new knowledge, started working on my pet projects, meeting new great inspiring people and learning of a long journey to empathize others; but they may not see me as what I am. I have changed over the course of years but not physically, just mentally.

You may think I am a know-it-all, a stubborn, and an unconfident person. Do know that I get my facts checked before saying out loud than listen to what your friends tell you, do know that I stand for what I believe in than blinding following what others have to say, and I'm tired to speak my mind when all you do is turn me down for you oh-so-much-better suggestions. I understand how meeting different people in life makes you change the way you look at yourself. I understand how speaking with different people in life changes the way you want to be. When you think that I am still standing where I was 10 years ago, I had move forward with the better good. To be strict on decisions but courteous, be strong but polite, and not to let anyone walk over you.

From you peeps, I do learn as well that it's best to not say anything at all and only speak to suggest a solution and finalize a decision.

Thank you for being the best friends of all times and a learning platform for me.

Pet Project

It has been a while that I write on my blog. I think today will be a good day =)

Last week was my company's 1st birthday/anniversary! I am nothing but proud of my bosses ^^ who strive hard and strong to achieve what they have today. I am also glad to be part of this family. I met such great people whom never fail to inspire and motivate me every day. They can be quirky and psychologically challenging *in a good way* but I am really happy to have met them.

Today I manage to work finish all of my pet project and I am loving how I am paid for doing the things I love. And I hope my work is much appreciated and loved as well. It wasn't all smooth sailing, I lost my ways in terms of searching my style of writing and most importantly producing an agreement to secure my work. But I was in good hands of a great mentor. She had taught me so much about what she do and is always happy to share her experiences and knowledge with me. To her,I am very much grateful.

From my point of view, with your quality of work, i think u can sell that high. Your writing is good... in fact sometimes i feel it surpass mine with time and experience, you'll definitely be wah beyond my league d

I am very touched when she acknowledged my work. She of all people had the confidence in me that I, myself don't. I was never a star student/niece/daughter back in the days and had always been looked down on by family members and teachers. No matter how hard to try, I will never surpass my sister's shadow and to which in time, I lost the fire to fight. When she told me those words, my eyes twinkled with tears (even when I'm typing this out). I am most humbled and grateful for her recognition. I dare not greed nor hope much in the future but wish that there are many more opportunities to come to help me grow my wings.

For everything, I thank God for the opportunities and achievement I had thus far. Also, many thanks to the people who had faith and trust in me for working on their project. I can never thank you enough.

The Road To Independence

Yesterday I got involved in a car accident. It wasn't a big one. I lightly kissed the back of a Myvi as I didn't put on a full break and the car moved. Apparently, I was dreaming =.= Yup, that's the start of a new drama in my Friday morning to work. 

The guy made a scene and I didn't know who to call. I didn't want to call my parents as it was just a small matter. Both our car was not scratched nor was it dent. It didn't look like it just came from an accident. However, the guy made a big fuss and I just obliged to him, refused to make matter worst. Ended up in Perodua Service Centre, and was charged RM444.60 for the parts (bumper, screws & sensor), RM275 for workmanship and RM16.80 for tax. Yup, piling up to a good RM750. And, yes! I paid for it!!

I know you who are reading might be shouting at the computer screen reminding what an idiot I had been for paying. Might as well just file a report at the police station. I wouldn't mind doing that if I want my parents to know the first place! And, no, I didn't call my boyfriend first thing it happened. I didn't want to worry him and he's busy with work. But eventually I did tell him later of the day.

He got pretty upset. 1) That I didn't call him first thing it happened. 2) I paid a ridiculous amount for a car that doesn't even look like it has been through accident. He called the owner of the car again and made a calm 'fuss' to get a refund. For me, I just want to wash my hands off this case to which I got pretty upset when he did. This was the first time I walked out of the car on him. I know that he meant well but I just got pretty worked up in wanting to end this the way it is. 

Once I calmed down, I felt really bad for not calling him first thing. He was really upset that I have the thought because of his bust work schedule that I couldn't call him when I needed him. I am very much sorry. He had always make his way to make me a better person and a happy girlfriend and it made me felt that I didn't do good enough for him.

Anyway, he closed the file though it wasn't a successful account. I am grateful he came into my life and made a difference =) Thank you for everything.

A Letter Never Sent

Dear love,

How are you? Have you been thinking about me? I have.

Walking on the streets of Serangoon, having your favourite fish slice soup noodles, and thinking about the good times we had together. I missed you, I missed us. Memories that filled me in more ways than I cannot imagine. Like a movie I watched over hundreds, no thousands of times again but they never failed to make me cry a river every single time. Unlike The Notebook, we did not grow old together. Unlike The Wedding, we did not celebrate a mundane wedding anniversary. Unlike P.S. I Love You, you weren't there when I needed you the most.

I chose to leave before you do, so I wouldn't have to see your back and suppressing the urge to hug you, hold onto you. I chose to leave before you do, because I knew you wouldn't felt the way I did. I chose to leave before you do, so you wouldn't remember me in tears as you left. I chose to leave  before you do so you'll remember my smile.

I always tell myself that I am alright, that I am strong. I always thought I am okay as long as I smile, always thought it's okay even if we met. But the other day when I saw you at the mall holding her hands, the same eyes that looked at me is now looking at someone else's, the same lips that had touched mine is now touching someone else's, unknowingly my tears fell and I knew I wasn't alright. Little did I know that you were deeply pushed into a corner of my heart where I keep all my greatest fears.

Seeing you smile, seeing you happy had left reality knocked me hard in the head that you were better off without me. However, I was left with a baggage filled with fears, doubts, mistrust, anger, and sadness. I hope one day someone will take enough effort and love to unpack this baggage.

Love,
My heart.

You Got A Friend In Me

What is friendship? How do one define friendship?

To me, friendship is as simple as ABC. Making an effort to be one. One where we can laugh about silly jokes, one where we can talk about nothings, one where we can cry about romance movies.

What about those where you called/address as 'BFF' (Best Friend Forever)?

To me, it works the same as any other friendship. What makes you special or different from others are the deepest and darkest secrets that you know. One that will understand me better than anyone else. One that will never be upset over silly pranks/jokes we play. One that will make an extra effort to be one.

Today, one of my friend told me that one of my BFF unfollowed me on Instagram because I do not like her photos neither did I replied to her Tweets. They were rather upset bout that matter. To me, it's a laughing matter. Because I know her well enough (at least I think I do) to know that things like this is rather ridiculous to be upset about. It doesn't hurt me that someone is upset because I choose not be an active social networker and that I choose not 'like' her photos, but it did hurt me to know that she measured my friendship with her to the number of 'like'(s) on her photos and the reply to her Twitter. To let herself call me a BFF, I do have doubts.

Friends who confide in me because they trust me, friends who are there to just listen to me rant, friends who are there to give me a 'punch on the face' over certain issues, friends who do not care how I look, are all friends to me. BFF works the same but I will make an extra effort to keep your trust, to listen when you talk, to tell you ugly truths that you do not wish to hear, to tell you that you're beautiful and special because you are.

I made this post not to rant on the things that happened today but to remind myself that your friendship is a keeper because of everything that we had been thru.