A Letter Never Sent

Dear love,

How are you? Have you been thinking about me? I have.

Walking on the streets of Serangoon, having your favourite fish slice soup noodles, and thinking about the good times we had together. I missed you, I missed us. Memories that filled me in more ways than I cannot imagine. Like a movie I watched over hundreds, no thousands of times again but they never failed to make me cry a river every single time. Unlike The Notebook, we did not grow old together. Unlike The Wedding, we did not celebrate a mundane wedding anniversary. Unlike P.S. I Love You, you weren't there when I needed you the most.

I chose to leave before you do, so I wouldn't have to see your back and suppressing the urge to hug you, hold onto you. I chose to leave before you do, because I knew you wouldn't felt the way I did. I chose to leave before you do, so you wouldn't remember me in tears as you left. I chose to leave  before you do so you'll remember my smile.

I always tell myself that I am alright, that I am strong. I always thought I am okay as long as I smile, always thought it's okay even if we met. But the other day when I saw you at the mall holding her hands, the same eyes that looked at me is now looking at someone else's, the same lips that had touched mine is now touching someone else's, unknowingly my tears fell and I knew I wasn't alright. Little did I know that you were deeply pushed into a corner of my heart where I keep all my greatest fears.

Seeing you smile, seeing you happy had left reality knocked me hard in the head that you were better off without me. However, I was left with a baggage filled with fears, doubts, mistrust, anger, and sadness. I hope one day someone will take enough effort and love to unpack this baggage.

Love,
My heart.

You Got A Friend In Me

What is friendship? How do one define friendship?

To me, friendship is as simple as ABC. Making an effort to be one. One where we can laugh about silly jokes, one where we can talk about nothings, one where we can cry about romance movies.

What about those where you called/address as 'BFF' (Best Friend Forever)?

To me, it works the same as any other friendship. What makes you special or different from others are the deepest and darkest secrets that you know. One that will understand me better than anyone else. One that will never be upset over silly pranks/jokes we play. One that will make an extra effort to be one.

Today, one of my friend told me that one of my BFF unfollowed me on Instagram because I do not like her photos neither did I replied to her Tweets. They were rather upset bout that matter. To me, it's a laughing matter. Because I know her well enough (at least I think I do) to know that things like this is rather ridiculous to be upset about. It doesn't hurt me that someone is upset because I choose not be an active social networker and that I choose not 'like' her photos, but it did hurt me to know that she measured my friendship with her to the number of 'like'(s) on her photos and the reply to her Twitter. To let herself call me a BFF, I do have doubts.

Friends who confide in me because they trust me, friends who are there to just listen to me rant, friends who are there to give me a 'punch on the face' over certain issues, friends who do not care how I look, are all friends to me. BFF works the same but I will make an extra effort to keep your trust, to listen when you talk, to tell you ugly truths that you do not wish to hear, to tell you that you're beautiful and special because you are.

I made this post not to rant on the things that happened today but to remind myself that your friendship is a keeper because of everything that we had been thru.

Home for Good

My love is finally home for good after being away from it for 4 years and more. We've been in LDR from the start thus, 'the wait' had been the only thing I knew. Waiting for him to come back home during any festive seasons and waiting for my trips to go over to Singapore just to be with him and waiting for the best lovable moment to happen. 'The wait' was everything for us. At least to me it is nothing more important than that.

The usual ring on my MSN for a video call, the ringtone to my former Sony Ericsson to my now newly iPhone ringtone, the ringtone of Viber that cannot be changed which gave me a slight irritation when it's not mine but others, those were the other kind of waits to keep him and I connected. Though words may fall short at times, but I missed and appreciate it nevertheless. I dear to hear his voice on the other side of the receiver. It made me smile. Especially when I'm having a bad day. His call was all I need to turn that frown upside down.

We had our good times and also the bad times. But through it all, it made both of us grow, at least it did to me. I cried and whined and I wished he was there to hold me close and tell me 'Everything is going to be ok between us'. I was heart broken and was at the end of the cliff but that pull of love brought me back into his loving arms. The lessons groomed me to be a better person, a better girlfriend, a better supporter, a better friend and a better listener. I cannot deny that I am still on the brink but I am taking on step at a time to walk away from insecurities and into the greater forgiveness and appreciation of his past.

Now that he's home, I wish that the assurance in me will grow and the doubt will lessen. I do not expect much from him, just knowing that he's there mentally for me, is more than enough.

I'm glad that he's home =)

Am I The One To Blame?

She stood there in the rain, under the bus stop. Her skin shivers at every drop of pearl water. The gusting wind was to no help of the weather. As she stood there, the rain got heavier, the wind gone crazier, the sun no where to be found. She doesn't know for how long will she be standing there or for how long will the weather continue to her dismay, she just know how she stood there waiting. Do not know what she's waiting for, but she will know when it comes. Rain slowly soaked her clothes, clumping them over her skin. On that cold rainy day, she had no one to hold on to.

It was a summer breeze as she decided to take a walk under the sun. Not too hot, but just nice as the bright sky shimmers on her face. The warm delicate feeling, she liked it. With no direction, she just followed the road up ahead and walked for she knew something will be waiting for her up ahead. And when the time comes, when her walk comes to an end, she will know it is worth. Several times, she looked back and thought to herself if this never ending walk is worth it. She doubted not her goal but her capability of making it to the end. She took a step back, maybe just maybe the walk back will give her a nicer road. To what she had not imagine, dark clouds starts to come together and the rain starts to pour, slowly the wind join the fiesta of disaster.

Spotting a bus stop, she took shelter, for she do not know if she wants to continue looking back or moving back ahead. For many times had she been showered with disapproval upon looking back. But for how many times had she been showered with joy when she look ahead? Is the road up ahead really greener? Is the road really worth walking? Or should she just stop now and walk back home?

Somewhere Like This

WongFu released a new short today. It's about a couple who meets again after being separated after so long because the girl is going off for her studies. It's about finding the feeling that was once lost/ slowly faded away/ forgotten.

Recently, love and I had been meeting quite often, once a month. Some of you may think that how can once a month be classified as 'often'. Well, for the past two years of our relationship, we've only been meeting once every three/four months. Seeing how clingy I can get these couple of months, I wondered how did I ever get through 2 whole years by just meeting occasionally. But the feeling that I get every time we meet, it's something I can never be able to describe. The joy, the butterflies, the fluttering hearts, all that, it's something I can never forget. I asked love how did we survived not meeting each other after so many months for the past years when we now couldn't be away from one another. He said that we had love each other more through out the years so now, we couldn't bare being away from the other. I smiled.

I couldn't imagine myself when love is back for good.

My friends seems admire my patience of being away from the one we love for so long and sometimes, not talking with him for days. I guess you can say that it's a habit? Well, I don't deny that at times I longed to be in his arms but when I know that I can't, I try to fill myself with activities of my own. Watching dramas, reading novels and going out with my friends. It keeps me going, a  way of not loosing myself by still having 'me time'. Love gets his by going out drinking with his friends, so do I. I used to wait every single day for his call or for him to start video calling me on MSN. When I realised that I slowly losing myself from society, I started going out again with my friends. Now, I guess I wait less and love myself more in a way.

However, I thank my friends a lot for being there for me. I know that I am not the nicest friend you have but I appreciate every thing that you do for me. <3 div="">

I love you *muacks* 

Somewhere Like This

Working Life

Started work right after returning, people ask why I am in such a rush to get a job?

Well it's a competition every where you go. So I want to secure myself with a job first then slowly discover what the world has to offer.

Just started working in a small engineering firm. I am lonely and stressed because of this job, but I cannot deny that I learnt quite a lot in these few months.

I helped my boss set up the Penang branch company, started designing and creating website. Can not get any crazier. I know nothing about designing, what more creating a website! I was pushed to the edge because I am not familiar with designing. I finally gave in and called up a couple of friends to help me with it.

I am never more grateful when I started class with them. They are an eye opener! They took time out of their busy schedule to help teach me. They made my job so much easier! I struggled for one month to create a very simple design and do the linking!! 

I feel upset because my boss doesn't seem to understand when I say I am not from a designing and IT background and I have to learn everything from scratch! I know that I am rather slow but I have to go through videos after videos and reading after reading!! And to know all the codes to create the website is even worse! When I told my boss that I couldn't finish my work in time, he doesn't seem happy. 

He ask the IT guy to assist me, how is this helping when he ask me to create everything again using Photoshop, that I have to learn from scratch again!

I was challenged to the edge and finally made that phone call to ask some friends to help me. And, they really helped me lots! Encouragement from friends and love is the only thing that kept me going on this long.

When I finally send in my designs and work, I am never more proud of myself. Though they ask for a whole lot of changes, I just did. I feel more relieve that I manage to perform in my work.

After everything is done, I reflected on myself and found out that I complain too much and work too little. I am going to learn perseverance and patience to help make me a better and stronger person. 

Thank you for all the love and support =)