Because It's You

Every time we argue of the same issue all over again, I find myself refraining from telling you how I really feel. So much so that I start hating myself, up to a point where I can no longer breathe. I hate myself for holding on to you when I know your heart is far away and I hate myself for not being able to leave you. Even at this moment, I still hesitate because of you.

I want to cry and end things so I can be free of this heartache; so i can be more selfish when it comes to love but I couldn't do that because it's you. I want to tell you to start living and leave all the pain to me ut I couldn't because it;s you.

Insanity

What could possibly drive a person to the edge of sanity? Pushed so close to the edge of deep darkness without an alternate road to spare and the only way to salvage the error is to stay hanging there, making sure you don't fall or just take that leap.

In every human, there is a hint of craziness but were kept the way it is. The walks of life which consist of happiness, sadness, jealousy, anger, betrayal, hatred, back stabbing are some of the many scenarios and emotional investment that could amplify the negativity. The question to ask is how much of such emotional breakdown is enough to push one over the edge. A question that I believe even we cannot answer ourselves.

I was pushed to the extent. I felt like I was going crazy just thinking about the possibilities and questions wanting to be answered. When he cut me off from his life, I wondered how can a man be so cruel to so easily erased me from his life like I didn't mean anything. Was I that unworthy? Was I not good enough? Was I not loved? I tried so hard to make things work between us but he took me for granted. All that brought hatred in my life, of things I never imagined I was capable of. That much hate and agony I've suffered brought so much tears and sleepless nights.

I hate him. I hate her. I hate his guts. I hate her ruining my love story. I hate his lies. I hate her lies. I wish both him and her will end up in agony. I wish she will never find happiness in this relationship for she has ruined mine. I wish he will never find happiness in any relationship for he has destroyed my paradise. I wish she will suffer the consequences that she inflicted on me. I wish he will forever be in the darkness of negativity and slump. I wish she will never get approval of his friends and family. I wish he will one day look at me and realised all his mistakes.

Right when I thought I was getting better, I was inflicted again of their happiness from his photo. Then, I realised that I never really did walked away from the edge, just standing there. I know I will be able to find the way out from this mess but as of now, I'm standing there, surrounded by darkness and negativity.

Serene

Guy: What is your name?
Girl: Serene.
Guy: Do you live up to your name?
Girl: Physically.
Guy: What about emotionally?
Girl: A raging storm waiting to be released into the open. Rage of sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness and ever more tears of finally being able to break free.

What Is Love?

They ask me what is it like to fall in love.

I say it's happiness. Finding that someone who you can always share your day with fills that loneliness you'd never admit of. Making memories with that someone which you hold dearly onto and it constantly brings out that silly grin you have plastered on your face on random days.

It's heart wrenching. Speaking too soon and breaking hearts in the heat of the moment; tears fall like it has been holding on for too long at the corner of your eyes. These are the moments where it will make the relationship stronger or break you.

Last but not least, it is home. Falling into that protective arms which will always make you feel like home. That sigh of relief whenever they embrace you and brings your feet back onto Earth. They are that home where you dock all your feelings, memories, beliefs, joy, tears and gratefulness.

Though love has ended for me, I am grateful for everything it has taught me. I learnt to love someone with all my heart, I learnt to treasure time, I learnt to appreciate you, I learnt to love your family(other than my own), I learnt patience and I learnt trust.

Thank you for the memories.

You No Longer Love Me

I miss his touch. His warmth. Waiting seemed to be the only thing that I had known of and yearning to be in his arms, made me feel like home. Thoughts of him pulled my heartstrings and I had never knew love was capable of such pain.

I miss his voice. His words. Texts started to feel like they were no longer enough and his voice of expressions were the only thing that can fill the void in my heart. His words of truth broke my heart and tears gushed out like it has been holding on for far too long. And, I'm still hurting.

I miss him. Only him. Feelings that feel so evidently real, somehow seems vague. When we said our goodbyes, I was holding onto some hope that this was all a nightmare that I would eventually wake up to but I didn’t. I curled up into a ball and cried my heart out.

This pain, this hurt, this tears, how can I stop it? Even when everyone asks for me to move on, I would still want to find some memories of us so you will always remain close to me. In my heart.

That void, that emptiness, that loneliness, how can I fill it? Even when I kept myself busy, my thoughts would still wander to you, of memories, of possibilities, and of all what ifs. In this foolish self, I find comfort.

You taught me what it's like to be a selfless woman, now it's my turn to take the lead and be selfish once in a while. 

Compulsive Buying Disorder

Compulsive buying disorder (CBD) is characterized by an obsession with shopping and buying behavior that causes adverse consequences. (Wikipedia, December 2013)

I'm not too proud about admitting it but at the same time I am proud to. Don't get me wrong that I enjoyed the whole shopping experience but I'm proud to say that I've been using my hard earned money to do the guilt shopping. I told my bf about it and he has not been very helpful with the advise cause he, like I am is pretty cheapo people when it comes to ourselves but would splurge on people we love and care about.

"You like? Just buy lah" (quote from him) =.= not very helpful loh! Make me want to buy more. 

I love shopping and I especially LOVE online shopping. As a child, I never had the luxury as my friends do of going on numerous shopping spree with their parents. I am only entitled to buy clothes during Chinese New Year and it will always be 3 sets of clothing to fill up the first 3 days of the auspicious celebration where we go house visiting. That's it! I may probably get more if I asked but I never thought that it was necessary or had the urge to want more. And being the cheapo that I am, I save up every year to about RM250 from my pocket money and used that money for the clothings instead of asking my parents for money, though they did insists on paying but I didn't want them to. I guess you can say that was my first monetary budgeting lesson. So, now with the money that I am earning, I feel more at ease about going shopping and buying more clothes (though I never really needed them). 

Now that I am working and earning on my own, I dare more hated the fact of asking my parents for money and spending it unnecessarily. I did ask for a loan for my last trip to Japan to which my mum gladly would GIVE the money to me but I managed to saved up enough with daily sandwiches and water to fund my trip. I didn't want anyone especially my relatives to think I am experiencing 'luxury' with my parents' money and spoiling me. It was my way of throwing all the bad comments they said as I was growing up back into their face.

Back to my disorder, I get super excited looking at clothes and compiling on lists of what to buy next. Yup! I do them. I am that kind of person that cares more on quantity than quality. So the cheapo side of me gives me the 'privilege' to buy more at a cheaper price! Like Budget Barbie, I buy clothes ranging from RM10 - RM30 [at most per piece]. If there are clothes that I don't like or couldn't fit after receiving them, I would give it to my cousins or donate them. Mind you, they are new clothes that I only tried on once. Then again, it's nothing to be proud of. If I were to NOT shop, I probably can put in more to my piggy bank. 

So as a conclusion, NO. I don't condone you to be a shopping freak like I am. 

Hard To Please Everyone

I came to face great mountains of challengers as I meet more people and as people I used to think I know are changing. I met clients who are fickle minded, confused on what they want/need, can never have the courtesy of reading emails I've sent, cannot coordinate with his own team and demanding ones. But I guess that wasn't as bad as to realizing I am still the same person I am back 10 years ago as I see friends around me change into a person I barely know.

As friends starts putting on make up, I am still working on my flaws. As friends starts chasing luxury and fame, I am still chasing for freedom. As friends starts to think they are better than who they were, I am still standing on the edge of curiosity and soul searching. As friends starts comparing their goods and deeds, I am still thankful for what I had achieved. As friends starts shining like a diamond, I am still a speck of dust. 

Many of you may encourage me for the change and be just like how my friends are. I can and already am. When friends who think they know me, I myself am changing as well. I acquire new knowledge, started working on my pet projects, meeting new great inspiring people and learning of a long journey to empathize others; but they may not see me as what I am. I have changed over the course of years but not physically, just mentally.

You may think I am a know-it-all, a stubborn, and an unconfident person. Do know that I get my facts checked before saying out loud than listen to what your friends tell you, do know that I stand for what I believe in than blinding following what others have to say, and I'm tired to speak my mind when all you do is turn me down for you oh-so-much-better suggestions. I understand how meeting different people in life makes you change the way you look at yourself. I understand how speaking with different people in life changes the way you want to be. When you think that I am still standing where I was 10 years ago, I had move forward with the better good. To be strict on decisions but courteous, be strong but polite, and not to let anyone walk over you.

From you peeps, I do learn as well that it's best to not say anything at all and only speak to suggest a solution and finalize a decision.

Thank you for being the best friends of all times and a learning platform for me.